Every year people celebrate the upcoming new year with parties and family get togethers. I remember having those years ago. My family would all get together, some years we would pull out the kareokee machine and other years we would play games, but we were always together. However, as many of you know, when you start getting older it's a lot harder to keep to the traditions you had when you were younger becuase of jobs and life in general.
So guess where I am right now? It's not with my family, although part of that choice is mine. I'm sitting home alone, in the dark writing this to you. Now I'm not going to lie, I feel pretty down right now because I'm not out celebrating, but sadly I just don't feel like it. I kind of feel like having a pity party for me on the last day of the year 2012. I do want next year to be a better year. This has been a year full of changes. I have changed a lot over the past year, some of those changes were good and some of them were not so good. However making mistakes is how we learn. I had a blog a while back and had a fun challenge to post a picture a day and blog about it. It was very rewards and I was really good at it for a month or so, until I realized that no one else in the group was keeping up. I know that life has a funny way of smacking us right in the face because things will come up and distract us from those things that are important, that we need to really care about.
My point to starting another blog is to get me back into things that I used to love. Now I can't gaurantee doing these things will make me happy, and there are times that I'll probably go days without writing. I'm a busy girl and I like staying busy, but over the last year I have been too busy to focus on what really should matter so I'm going to try my best to find out first of all the things/people I want to keep in my life that can help me reach the goal of focusing on what really matters.
As the end of the year has approached I have thought on and off about making some New Year's Resolutions. As many of you know most people make these around the new year and then they don't follow through with them. Hopefully I won't fall into that category again this year, because I have been guilty of it before. The more sat and thought tonight though, I decided that I would like to make a few new year's resolutions for 2013 and I'd like to share them with you guys.
1. I want to get into the educaiton program at UVU by fall 2013.
I really want to be a teacher and I have three classes and one giant test keeping me from that goal. However I know it is attainable if I keep my grades up and do well on my test and interview with the education board.
2. I want to make daily excercise a part of my life. I'm not going to lie, the main reason I want to do this one is to lose weight, like most people do when the new year comes around. However, I want to make it part of my daily life so that I can stay healthy and that's not just by exercising every single day. It's learning how to eat right with balanced meals that have a rounded out portioning of everything in the food pyramid. I want to make sure that I get a good amount of sleep each night so that I'm well rested and able to deal with the daily stress of life that comes my way. I want to find ways to exercise that I really enjoy. I love ZUMBA!! I can't wait to get back into it, however it won't be an every day thing because I have school so I'll have to find other ways/times so that I can try and keep this resolution for more then two weeks.
3. I want to figure out for myself once and for all if the church is for me.
Most of you know that I've gone to church my whole life, excpet for recently. The past year I've made it to church twice and I feel bad about that when I think of it. The church used to make me happy and I was content and naive and blissfully unaware of a lot of things. There was nothing wrong with that, but after coming home from my mission and seeing reactions from some members, I lost my footing in the church. I always thought, if I don't get married by the time I'm 21 I'll go on a mission and by golly I did. Montana really was wonderful for the time I spent there. When I got back, I took a lot of people by surprise and I'm sure no one knew how to respond, but a lack of response made me feel like I was a bad person. I let those feelings in and let them consume me to the point where I didn't want to go anymore. And as many of you know once you stop going it just gets easier not to go-thus I haven't been to church at all this whole year. I feel like I'm a bad person because I haven't been doing what I should. I know I'm not "bad" but I feel like I've let myself down in some ways because I'm not where I could be. Coming home from a mission and getting back into the swing of regular day life wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was an adjustment, don't get me wrong, but it was okay. I went to church and did what I was supposed to do and logically I thought marriage would come next. It has yet to happen. I know it will happen one day, but it's frustrating waiting for it to happen and I know there are many of you that feel the same way. I just look around me and I see my siblings in relationships, people I work with happy to be with someone and I just think....okay I must be doing something wrong. I was told that if I did all these things that certain things would follow and they haven't. Now I realize that I'm putting it on my time table and not the Lord's but it's just a frustrating thing to go through. And since I'm already feeling insecure about not "being with someone" I begin feeling invisible in my singles ward. I don't stand out and I'm not one of the cute little tiny blue eyed blondes that guys like to have on their arm.. (now I know that wasn't fair, but it seems that way to me that you have to be a size 0 and have blue eyes and blonde hair to catch any kind of attention). One reason I didn't feel like going to church anymore was because I didn't think my bishop would even notice if I didn't show up. And for a while he didn't verbally say anything (I know he prays for those he watches over, but when you are frustrated about being invisible it doesn't help when people tell you that). Months went by of me not going to church and nothing was said until I got a phone call to meet with the bishop and I figured this meeting was about why I wasn't coming to church anymore, but the poor bishop was just trying to get names and faces together. I'm okay with that because I know he has lots of people to watch over but sadly it just fed my invisible feeling like nothing else. Anyway I'm babbling. I just want to figure out where I stand and I plan on taking this next year to really work on it and figure it out for myself.
4. I don't want to lie about how unhappy things make me.
I don't want to be a complainer and I hate taking from people and being a burden to them. But I've realized that if I want to help people then I have to let them help me and admit when I need help. No one wants to appear weak but that's what we are without certain things in our lives. Everyone has something or someone who strengthens them. I want to be able to let those around me know when I really don't want to do things that make me unhappy without seeming like I'm the bad guy. I don't want to be taken advantage of for being a nice person, but I also don't want to become a mean person in order to stop people from taking advantage of me. I've been better at this (or so I hope) but there's always room for improvement.
5. I want to be happy no matter what happens.
There is a whole year that has gone by and I couldn't have predicted the things that were going to happen, but now a brand new year is upon us. I want to learn how to be happy again. I don't like being depressed and sad and feeling invisible. It's not a fun feeling and I know there are many who have been there themselves to understand what I'm saying. But I love the talk by Joseph B. Wortlin where he said, "COME WHAT MAY, AND LOVE IT" I dón't know what this next year holds for me, but I hope I can remember to embrace every good and bad thing and allow it to make me a better person.
I hope that each of you is ready for an upcoming year full of wonder. Life is such a beautiful gift to each of us, and one I hope we use and treasure well. Thanks for listenting to my psycho babble and I plan on writing more this year. I can't promise it will be every day, but I want to try. It's been a long time since I've written things down and I've missed it a lot. I hope each of your new year is what you wanted it to be. Now I'm going to go to bed (in order to get enough rest for work tomorrow) and start my resolutions a little early.
Love Me
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